To lie or keep in hiding, as for some evil reason.  To move or go in a mean, stealthy manner.
ISSN: 1527-814X Monday July 10, 2000

WebSkulker Newsletter
I'm gonna skulk in the midnight hour

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Free movies for jr. skulkers

MovieFlix has a fair number of full-length movies that you can watch for free in RealPlayer format.  Almost all of them are old as you might expect, but some are worth watching, and the price is right.

Tell them what skulkers think

In this presidential election year, news stories often talk about voting blocks and their potential influence on the election.  Well skulkers vote too, and we buy products and event tickets.  Politicians, company leaders, and entertainment stars had better give us the proper respect!

If you want to tell politicians and other famous people, companies, and organizations what you think of them and current issues involving them, you can send a message easily via the TellThemNow service, which has their email addresses.  Go to the web site and search, or for people/organizations in the news, TellThemNow's home page lists current news stories with links to the relevant people and organizations.  You then fill out a form with your email address and zip code, enter a number from 1 to 5 showing how positive or negative your comment is, a subject, and the text of your message.  TellThemNow will accumulate all the comments to that same person/organization and send them one large email per day summarizing the positive/negative scores and including all the comments.

WebSkulker's favorite is Ms. Cat

When WebSkulker goes on skulking trips he wishes he could bring his favorite skulking companion, Ms. Cat, along, but she is very shy and doesn't do well outside the house and with other people.  But he can bring along his favorite list of Internet sites thanks to, a free service run by Jr. Skulker Eric Lee.  Sign up for an account, and then follow the instructions for uploading your Internet Explorer favorites or Netscape bookmarks into your private FavoritesAnywhere database.

Whenever you are away from home, go to the FavoritesAnywhere site, sign in, and pop up a little window with a scrollable outline view of your favorites.  Click on a category to see the details, just like in your home browser, and click on an entry to go to the web site.  By default your FavoritesAnywhere list is private, but you can make any part of it public so that other jr. skulkers can use your list.  You can use FavoritesAnywhere at all times, even from home, instead of your browser's bookmarking facility because it's easy to bookmark web pages directly to their service.

WebSkulker, please go to the information desk

Jr. Skulker Bob Bernay told us about this site with six funny recordings that two pranksters made in airports.  They convinced the airport's paging operators to page long, foreign-looking, names that when pronounced sound like English sentences.  For example, the operator would think they were paging "Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest", but people listening would here "I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed."

This made WebSkulker laugh

Submitted by Jr. Skulker Sidney Bernay

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): __________________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Allah
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false God

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No

If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Like organ music
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false God were you fooled? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ Ra
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The almighty dollar
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ Right-wing radicalism
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ Chocolate
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: _______________________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Astrology
___ Palmistry
___ Tea leaves
___ Dianetics
___ Fortune cookies
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ CompuServe
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________________________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one)
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know -- What's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis

1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent): 

God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 

Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by March 31, you will be entered in the "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^23, depending on number being entered.


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