To lie or keep in hiding, as for some evil reason.  To move or go in a mean, stealthy manner.
ISSN: 1527-814X Wednesday March 8, 2000

WebSkulker Newsletter
Looking to skulk in all the wrong places

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Free graphic design from a fellow jr. skulker

Jr. Skulker Ryan Ferrell is a student and budding graphic artist who is willing to work for free at the moment, presumably for the experience and to build his reputation.  If you are working on any web projects and need a logo or any other design work, take a look at the samples in his gallery.  If you like what you see, contact him and he will do the same for you totally free.

Skulking via emulation

WebSkulker saw news reports this week about the Connectix Virtual Game Station, software that runs on a Mac (and shortly on a PC) that emulates the Sony PlayStation console.  This means that you can buy CD's of PlayStation games and play them without spending money on the PlayStation machine itself.  See:

This reminded him that there are many other emulators out there that let you play old video games on PC's and Macs.  The above links should give the jr. skulker an introduction to the topic and a good collection of vintage games they can play.  Note that you need to download three things from separate places:  an emulator program for a particular game console, a ROM image for that console, and downloadable images of the original game cartridges.

For jr. skulkers working in cubicles

Jr. Skulker MediaHound wants one of these to replace his current cubicle, but WebSkulker isn't sure this is such a good idea.  Where would Ms. Cat sit so that she could read the monitors also?  With the walls so open, wouldn't the smell from the kitty litter box bother his neighbors?  

Skulking in the wrong end

This site is totally disgusting and WebSkulker is shocked that Ms. Cat would want to include it in the newsletter, but she insists.  Ms. Cat is normally in tune with human thinking and the articles she dictates are oriented toward human readers, not other cats.  But you know how animals will sometimes sniff each other's butts to see where they have been and what they have been eating?  Her instinct about this may have gotten the better of her.

This made WebSkulker laugh

Submitted by Jr. Skulker Sidney Bernay

The Shift Key FAQ - Version 1.01

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. 

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys? 

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. 

q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation 

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie". 


A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blow-dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished. 

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"? 

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter. 

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh? 

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it. 

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this? 

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably. 

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use? 

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key. 

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys? 

A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size! 

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode? 

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question. 

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong? 

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.


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